Last week she was so excited to see her second article in print – I’m so proud of her!  Not just for writing and publishing a great article, but being able to take such a trying season in our life and translating it into lessons learned.

HOW TO SURVIVE YOUR HUSBAND’S UNEMPLOYMENT:

            I was in the kitchen getting my 2 ½ year-old a morning snack with my 6 month-old on my hip when I heard the some sort of power tool-made racket coming from my husband’s home office.  He’d been unemployed for about a year then, and during that time had gotten carried away with a number of unfinished household projects.  I poked my head in to see if a wave of inspiration had come over him and led him to work on converting the shallow closet into a bookshelf.  It was a project we’d talked about a few weeks earlier but no ground had been broken.  Instead, what I saw stretched from one side of the room to the other and screwed in with heavy metal bolts was our red and white checked hammock.  Nothing says, “Don’t worry, baby, I’m going to get us out of this mess!” like a hammock hung in the middle of his office.

As I’ve shared this and other stories from the last year and a half of my husband’s unemployment, I’ve learned that I’m not alone.  There are so many women right now who find themselves suddenly with an unemployed husband at home and their testimonies all seem to parallel mine.  The first few weeks bring with them some novelty- movies in the middle of the afternoon and whole family outings to the park.  But once the honeymoon period is over, the days that follow test the very fibers that hold the relationship together.

For us, that came in the shape of some very dark moments.  We found the things that were once minor annoyances with each other were now in our faces around the clock.  He felt my life should go on as usually caring for the kids and the house while his time was spent doing whatever he thought most pressing.  And while resume writing, job hunting, and household projects had definite importance, it didn’t take long to feel like it wasn’t fair that he could accomplish things at his own pace and choice without the responsibility of bathing, feeding, diapering, and the whole nine.  I work part-time, but when I’m home, I’m full-on wife, mother, and homemaker.  Any projects I want to accomplish have to be done while playing those roles so why did he think he could haul away uninterrupted and set to his own agenda?

I’m sure he looked at me as not understanding, critical, ungrateful, ridged- all things that I’ve never associated with my character or personality- hence making me feel not myself, and worse yet loathed by my own husband.  I wanted to be loved and wasn’t feeling it.  And aside from whatever he might have wanted from me, he was primarily just depressed and wallowing in his own world of disappointment and frustration.  It’s not hard to imagine how quickly the mind begins to wonder:  What’s happening, God?  Am I with the right person? Would it be better for the kids not to see us like this?  Will it ever get better?

If you’re anything like me, you know that God purposes to redeem not destroy marriages and that ultimately He is working to strengthen sharpen and prosper you, but it takes a lot of faith to walk in that truth.  Sometimes i’ve just wished someone would give me some basic survival guidelines- you know, hands on, practical stuff- to help us manage this impossible season.  So here are some things I’d like to impart from the trenches that could help.

• Clue him into your routine.  It’s worthwhile to actually write out what a typical day looks like on paper and share it with him- realizing that he probably has know idea how you spend your day.  Emphasize the areas that are set in stone like kids meals and nap times.  Otherwise he might think he’s helping when really he’s throwing off the day’s groove. Ask him how he sees himself fitting into this routine. When does he see himself participating in house work and caring for the kids and when does he see himself taking time to work side jobs, do household projects, and apply for work?   It may even help for him to establish regular “office hours” at home when he is unavailable to you and the kids.
• Reduce your expectations.  I once heard a speaker at a marriage conference define disappointment as the gap between reality and your expectations.  The good news is, we have a lot more control over our own disappointment than we might realize.  Expect that this is going to be a challenging time for both of you so that when those fights and frustrations come, you don’t let them devastate you.  Realize that you’re not getting a fulltime co-parent, handyman, and ever-available cuddler.  The truth is you’re probably getting a restless, ego-damaged man whose trying to figure out what to do next while not letting his family down.  AND he likely has little idea or mind to think about how this might be affecting you.
• Build into your relationship.  Since you know this time is going add some serious stress, do things that will also refresh your marriage.  Read a marriage book.  I highly recommend Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.  Attend a marriage seminar.  One of the best we’ve been to is A Weekend To Remember, which takes place all over the country.  (See FamilyLife.com.) Commit to daily devotions together at a regularly set time.  Reinvent date night by having a friend or family member babysit and getting creative with your time out.  Get cheap seats to a ball game or go to a local college’s play or musical.  And you don’t have to wait until things get out of hand to see a counselor.  We found it helpful to have someone process with us separately and together.
• Save face in public.  When people would ask how we were doing, I made the mistake early on of saying things like, “just trying to stay afloat.” I later found out this made my husband feel like I was saying he wasn’t being a good provider.  Remember that so much a man’s identity comes from his work.  When he meets another man, their first question is likely to be, “So, what do you do?”  This may even make your husband dread going to social functions.  My husband has asked me numerous times not to tell people he applied for a job so that if he got turned down he wouldn’t have tell people.  Find sensitive ways to talk about your husband’s circumstances.  If someone asked, “What does your husband do?” I learn to answer, “He’s writing a book right now and doing some side jobs.”  Or I would talk about the great work he’s been doing with our non-profit.  I take every opportunity to tell people how proud I am of him for his work ethic and his humility in taking jobs that don’t require his education- doing whatever it takes to take care for our family.
• Trust God with your family.  My father-in-law simply told me this in an email once during one of our rough bouts, and it really stuck with me.  God is still in control.  Trust that He knew what He was doing when he brought you together, and He knows what He’s doing now.  He still has plans for you both during and after this season.